Bevendre

That moment when you stop and realize that you’re 26, live in your parents basement, have never been on a date, have no friends offline and pretty much embody every stereotype of a loser.

I feel awful for having not drawn much of anything in the last few weeks. Depression’s been hitting hard more often than usual and I’ve not had motivation to do much of anything, something which hasn’t been helped by personal situations.

As usual suggestions are welcome.

I hate how my depression seems to be hitting harder and harder every Tuesday/Wednesday. I have no passions that have panned out, no hobbies that take my mind off of things for more than a few minutes, and I can’t keep up with any project I put my mind to.

More and more I’m finding myself questioning what’s even the point? I hate where I am in life, how little I’ve done and how much I’ve managed to let slip by. More and more often I have the thought that there’s no reason to keep going. These are predominantly invasive thoughts, I know they are, but I’m scared at how often they’re coming.

I hate feeling this way, I hate thinking this way, and I want it to stop.

You know you’re trash when your dog wants nothing to do with you.

Today has been one of those unfortunate days where depression hits hard, and with no discernible trigger.

It’s the kind of day where I can’t help but question why people give a crap about anything I do, and where I question why I do anything because it always seems to be, or feels like a pointless waste of effort.

It’s the kind of day where I have no confidence in my art, or writing, or anything, and can’t even bring myself to just kill time playing games or watching videos because it would just be lazy. So instead I lie in bed and try to sleep, only to fail at that as well.

It’s a terrible kind of day, and one that no one should ever have to go through, but one that I see happening more and more often to myself and to others.

But it will pass, just as it always does. No matter how bad the day is, or how bad it gets, that day will end and the next will bring something new. Knowing that, it makes things easier even on the worst of days, in the worst of moods.

Times can seem terrible one day at a time, but overall they tend to be fairly good, it’s just a matter of seeing the whole through the parts. It can be absurdly hard, but even the hardest of days can be overcome out of the hope that the year will be better, and the decade will be good.

It can seem like the worst day ever but

Depression is a scary thing.

One of the scary things about depression is how it skews one’s perception of the world, and of their life. One hundred blessings, friends and experiences that have brought joy and laughter appear to be nothing. One single act, phrase, or observation consumes the mind and thoughts, and just lead to more and more and more, no matter how great or small the complaints or criticisms may be.

All of the successes of one’s life crumble before a single failure. All of the happy times with friends and family and loved ones are but hearsay after a string of harsh words. Every compliment ever received is ash in the mouth after a single insult.

Perhaps the scariest thing about depression, though, is how it can affect anyone, no matter their lot in life. It’s a sickness of the mind, and a poisoning of the soul that does not care who it touches, or when. It can make the brightest star and the lowliest grains of sand feel equally without worth or purpose. No matter how often they are told how important their light is, how firm the support they have given, it means nothing when depression hits.

It doesn’t need a trigger, though it may help. It doesn’t need a source. That makes it all the worse. Depression doesn’t feel as bad when you can find out what put you in that state. When you can’t though? That’s when it’s really scary.

Right now, I’m scared.

Though a common feeling, it always sucks when these feelings make themselves painfully obvious for no reason.

This is going to be a fun day.